Something I Can Never Have
by blackwidow73
Summary: All Margaret wanted was to have a fulfilling life after the war, and all Hawkeye wanted was to be able to spend the rest of his life with her. Sometimes circumstances make it impossible for people to achieve what they want, no matter what they do. Post war. Hawkeye/Margaret.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a repost. I had written this story back when I was in middle school, and I really like it. I thought I would do it some justice by going back and rewriting it, fixing it up and adding a little bit to it.

Chapter 1: How I Said Good Bye

Margaret sat at her dresser as a tear trickled down her cheek. In front of her was a journal that she had been keeping ever since she had arrived in Korea. It was silly really, just something to keep track of the days, fill her spare time. At least, that was how it had started. Now it was one of the most important items to her. It was the only thing she could go to lately with her problems.

The small space glowed from the candle that was lit. Tears fell and landed on the paper as she wrote. She momentarily set down the pen and stared at the wet spot before taking part of her robe and blotting the stain dry. After drying it, she went ahead and scanned her latest entry.

 _July 28th 1953_

 _Tonight is my last night here in Korea, the war is officially over. A few hours ago we all gathered for our last dinner together and shared with everyone what we were going to do once we got home. I of course told everyone my plans to just become a nurse. It was a bit of a lie, but no one here had to know the truth. I'm not going to see any of them ever again, let alone hear from any of them. At least I'm pretty sure I won't. I wasn't all that close to too many people. It's probably better that way._

 _After that Hawkeye and me came back to my tent to say goodbye to each other. It was the hardest goodbye that I have ever said in my life. At first we had a fun time, he brought a bottle of champagne over and we talked for a while and then we borrowed Charles's record player and danced. During that whole time Hawkeye seemed to be happy but looked as if he wanted to say something. Well, he did. Just a few minutes ago he asked me to come back home with him and get married. I turned him down._

 _I can't believe it, but I said no. My last words to him were "I don't think that it would work out. We're too different and we would spend half of the time fighting and arguing with each other." I still think that that's true, but I don't know if I'll ever forget the look on his face. He looked as if I had just told him that he was dying. He did give me his phone number in case I ever changed my mind. I would like to still be friends with him, but I don't know if I could face him. I learned that I could have trouble being with him just last week. It wasn't like we fought or anything when I went to see him, but I felt very uncomfortable being there and I honestly never want to feel like that again. I think I'll finish here. Now I am going to bed here for the last time in my life. I also might have just said goodbye to the one man who really meant something to me for the last time in my life._

Margaret put down the pen and thought for a moment. The whole thing was very bitter sweet. She wanted to go home and she wanted the war to end, but she didn't want to leave Hawkeye for good. From the first kiss that he ever gave her to the dance that they had just shared she had been getting closer and closer to him. She just wasn't sure about how close she really was to him. She also had no idea how close Hawkeye had felt to her. He had just proposed.

Standing, she picked up a glass of unfinished champagne that had been sitting on the edge of the desk. "Well, here's to you Hawkeye Pierce. The only man I know who would put up with what you just went through," she solemnly stated before gulping down the rest of the drink.

Margaret stood there a second, staring at the glass. It was empty, just the way that she was feeling at the moment. At one time there was everything before her, and at one time she could have said yes to Hawkeye, but now everything was different.

Thickly swallowing, she went ahead and set down the glass, leaning in to blow out the candle. She just remained there a moment, lingering in the dark before retreating to her cot where she would sleep one last time.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Just Between You and Me

Margaret could remember the whole thing like it was yesterday, and it practically was. Colonel Potter had heard that there would be a bit of dry spell on casualties and he felt that the 4077th deserved a break. He had allowed everyone to go to the beach.

Margaret and Hawkeye went off by themselves into a little ditch back off of the beach. They were laying together, on the ground, Margaret in his arms.

"You know, I never did thank you," Hawkeye quietly mentioned with a smile.

"For what?" Margaret asked, gently laughing as she looked up to him. She knew what it was that he was talking about, but she still had to ask.

"Last night," he answered with a devilish grin.

Margaret smiled, laying her head on his shoulder. Of course it was about last night. It was something that she needed too though, a release. Last night was the first time in a while that she had truly felt close to anyone and she loved it.

"Just don't tell anyone," she firmly instructed.

"Why not?" he teased.

If anything, he was going to tell BJ how he had just had the best night of life and how this was probably going to be the only thing worth remembering when he returned home.

"Hawkeye," Margaret snapped.

He mockingly held his right hand up. "I swear, not a word," he promised. Which would actually be a promise that he kept.

Margaret rolled her eyes. "Good," she replied.

Even though he was kidding around with her, she knew that she could trust him. Maybe not when they had first met, but now she could trust him.

Hawkeye looked around to check if there was anyone near them. As soon as he was sure that no one would hear, he turned back to her. "By the way, what was so special about last night?" he questioned.

It was something that had been bothering him all day. Was she trying to say goodbye? Was she leaving? Or was she trying to tell him that she wanted something more between them? Or was she just bored?

Margaret looked up to him, forcing a small smile. "Last night was my good bye to you," she informed him.

It was more or less, her way of thanking him, her way of showing him that he meant more to her than everyone else did there. It was a thank you for all the times that he had gotten her through.

"What?" Hawkeye asked, slightly taken aback.

"There's an opening at Tokyo General, and they want me," Margaret answered with a smile.

"Hey! That's terrific," Hawkeye said as he put his arm around her.

He was happy for her, there was no denying that. Tokyo General was the place that they would all prefer to be at right now instead out here. There you had air conditioning, more free time, better living conditions, actual civilization. It was heaven compared to their MASH unit. The only problem would be that he was losing someone, he would miss her more than he would ever like to admit.

"Yeah," Margaret softly replied.

She sensed that there was something he was hiding from her, a small glimmer of sadness. It was to be expected. The two had grown close and no one liked having a friend move away from them. They would go from seeing each other every day to barely ever getting to talk.

Nonetheless, she felt as though she had to take it no matter what. A lot of strings had been pulled for her. There were people going through a lot of trouble to pull favors for her and she wasn't all too sure as to how she felt about it.

"There's a good chance that I'll decide to take it, but I'm still not quite sure yet," she admitted.

Hawkeye looked to her as if she had just gone insane. "Why not? You get to sleep in an actual bed and eat real food. Hey, you even get to rub it in Charles's face when you tell him about it," he stated.

Margaret softly laughed. It would be a lot more luxurious than here, but there were multiple factors that went into this decision. And one of them was sitting right in front of her. "True, but I think that I might be more needed here."

"Margaret, you're a good nurse, but you're not the only one who can do your job," Hawkeye argued.

It wasn't that he didn't want her to stay, but he wanted her to be able to get out of this place. He wanted her to be happier. She had done her time here and now it was her turn to finally start moving on.

"I guess you're right," Margaret sighed, somewhat let down that he wasn't trying to get her to stay.

"I know I'm right," Hawkeye informed her with a smile.

Margaret just returned the smile, knowing that he was trying to help her out here. It still would have been nice if he would have tried to convince her to stay though.

"Come on folks! Time to head back!" Colonel Potter announced.

The two both sighed, looking back over their shoulders as the others began to get ready to leave. Margaret just remained there as Hawkeye silently went to go get water to put the fire. It was a hard decision, and watching him, she wasn't all too sure she wanted to leave.

There was that, and she liked being head nurse. There was something about always having to be ready to operate and there was something in knowing that you were saving lives. She was important here. Needed. Even if she would most likely get promoted over at Tokyo, her job wouldn't be nearly as satisfying.

As Hawkeye dumped the water over the fire, Margaret was brought back to reality.

"Come on, let's get going," Hawkeye instructed.

"Coming," she replied, getting to her feet and joining him.


End file.
